(1) If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not
picking anything up.

(2) You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body I will remove them.

(3) I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys to wear trousers so loose that they are falling off of their hips. Don't take this as an insult: you and all of your friends are morons. But I want to be fair and open minded about this, so I propose this: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big; but in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, fall off your butt during the course of your date with my daughter, I will use my nail gun to fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

(4) I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of "barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate on this: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.

(5) I think that in order for us to get to know each other better we could talk about sports, politics, or other social issues. Do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back here at this house, and the words I need from you on this
are, "Early, sir."

(6) You may be popular at school with many opportunities to date other girls. I have no problem with this as long as it is okay with my little girl. Once you have gone out with my little girl, you will date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

(7) As you wait at the door for my daughter to come out and more than an hour goes by, I do not want to hear you sigh or watch you fidget. If you wanted to be on time for movies then you shouldn't be dating. My daughter will be putting on her makeup, a process that takes longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, you may change the oil in my car.

(8) The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool;
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns in sight;
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, or midriff T-shirts;
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme will be avoided.

(9) The following places are appropriate for my daughter:
- Movies which feature fathers with chainsaws are okay;
- Hockey games are okay;
- Old folks homes are better.

(10) Never lie to me. I may seem to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged has-been dipwad; but on issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have only one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres in back. Do not mess with me.

(11) And finally, be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy. While you're out with my daughter and the Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices tell me to clean my guns while I wait for you to bring her home. As soon as you pull up into the driveway, come out of your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password. Report clearly that you have brought my daughter back both safely and early. Then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. And incidentally, the camouflaged face at the window is mine.