This was so cute I thought I should share....
Subject: Love 4.0
Free software that I'm sure you will enjoy.
========== Love version 4.0 ===============
Yet another customer service phone call.......
Service Rep: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company help
desk. How may I help you?
Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0...you know....the
freeware. I don't understand it. Can you tell me how to install it?
Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and
instructions with you?
Customer: Yes, I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?
Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no other
like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and runs
silently in the background, you will never see LOVE on your monitor or your
toolbar, but you will notice its affect on every application you may have.
It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or deletes
the bad ones.
Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run
smoother?
Service Rep: Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV, ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV, and
KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also, FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there
is an external violation, including the ever-popular syntax errors. Also, all those
aggravating errors that say "unable to connect" will be avoided. LOVE allows for
a smooth connection
with external devices, regardless of what country it is manufactured in, the
brand name, or the age of the model.
Customer: That's exactly what I need--my machine has been isolated for too
long. But, what about the bad programs?
CS Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like
HATE.BAT, BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.BAT, and SPITE.EXE. These programs can't be entirely
deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops their commands
from being executed and runs its own instructions. You will no longer hear INSULT.WAV and
you won't be able to write with the fonts "BADWORDS12" or
"HARSHNESS10".
Customer: That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free too?
CS Rep: They sure are ma'am.
Customer: How do I get the upgrades?
CS Rep: That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it
automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external
Harddrive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact with.
In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they have and
return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every
module that you receive. But, you have to remember--to receive the
upgrades, you have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with
other computers while it is running.
Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to
install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART
ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is
it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and
RESENTMENT.BAT running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it
will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite
LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to
completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.BAT. Those programs prevent LOVE from being
properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do
this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.BAT have
been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.
Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall
for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to
begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What
does that mean?
CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE
program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your
HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in
non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it
can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to
the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT,
and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin
patching the faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE
from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make
sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.
SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.EXE,
PEACE.BAT, and CONTENTMENT.EXE are copying themselves all over my HEART!
CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it
from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to
everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people, and they
will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
